3 yolk sacs- all small, but one close to normal. 3 heartbeats. Who knows?

2 weeks at home, now better. No other symptoms hcg 3000 dpi 21.

Still in pain with ohss. Now on unpaid leave. Hope fetus ok.

Feel better after surgery. Pregnant! Looks like twins

Ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome- serious pain. Surgery needed to drain a gallon of fluid!

So bloated had to wear same elastic skirt to work 2x this week.

Ovaries still sore. Eating a lot.

Swollen ovaries, constipation. Painful

dr takes me into the little office

that's never good.  He wanted to warn me about the risk of multiples and ask if I wanted to go through with this cycle.  He said 30% chance of twins!  But it's 30% of the only 20% chance of any pregnancy at all.  Sure- I'll still do it.  It's only 4-6 eggs.  From what I have read, at my age there is not a very high probability of twins.  I've already gone thru 4 eggs with zero result, so it's hard to see how my luck with double this time.
He also said he thought we should go on to IVF next month if this doesn't work.  That's fine.  This process is way too long and dificult, and I miss a ton of work.  The timing never seems right.  IVF is nice and controled. The real kicker was he said IVF is less likely to result in twins than this protocol of shooting up lots of eggs.  So I think I will ask for a 2 week leave from work.  I have to see the dr almost every day.  Not that this one has failed yet.
I am flying across the country the day I would need to start next month's treatment, so everything is up in the air again.  I don't mind canceling the trip.

surprise! not what one wants

Well, who can do without the last minute drama?  I went to inject my trigger shot Saturday night at 10 and as I open the box to mix the medicine, I see it says "for intramuscular injection only."  WTF?  I don't have any IM needles.  No one showed me how to do an IM shot.  Moreover, it says a different person should do the shot, since they are much more painful and deeper than the subcutaneous shots I have done for everything else.  I was mad- why is this surprise coming up now?  What can I do on a SAturday night with no needle and no one to help?  So I just used my little needles and shot it into my butt 5 times.  I don't think it was deep enough to hit the muscle, but the medicine got into me.  I'll be pissed if all this money, energy and missed work results in a missed ovulation. 
In other news, it looks like insurance might cover part of this.  They don't cover infertility unless it has a medical cause. I asked them what else could be the cause?  Anyway, I'll try to get the dr to diagnose me with PCOS, which I pretty clearly have.   Even if that fails, there is a $9000 cap on out of pocket, which I haev almost hit, so the insurance would end up covering IVF!  If the dr's office ever gets around to submitting the claims.  For some reason although I've been racking up charges for months, insurance said no claims have been submitted. 

Insurance may cover IVF since I've spent so much $ on medical this year.

Drama. No needle for trigger. Too much egg white CM today. Timing off, I think.

Nervous? Up at 3am. The twin thing is scary.

working try-to-be-mom

This site isn't working on my Ipad all of a sudden, so I'm typing from work.  Oh work.  The combo of constatnt dr visits and work is not easy.  Today I was supposed to be at the second day of a workshop, but I had to come back for a dr appointment.  I guess if my dr were closer to work this would create fewer problems.  Anyway, the dr said things are moving well- now we have to consider how much risk of multiples I want to take!  There's a 30% chance of twins! 
Well, 30% of only a 20% chance of any pregnancy, so it's more like 8%, which seems pretty small.  I dont' get the math.  How does having 4 or 6 times as many eggs not move the odds of success?  That just can't be right.  Twins is scary. I mean, do-able and when theya re older I think they'd be lucky to have one another. But for me, all alone, with two mouths to feed. That would be a real challenge.  I say, why not try?  Then he mentioned triplets..

Site not working- missing more work, check on egg progress

Batten down the hatches- more drugs. Shortage. Work conflict. Oh my

See the progress tomorrow

Second thoughts

I've been two to parties in the past two days that have made me question this kid having idea. Whining kids and moms with nothing else to talk about. But what else do adults do? I sometimes think it's not working out because I don't really want it, at least alone. That could be.

Mood swings

I think the higher doses of the meds are having a negative mood effect. I couldn't stand a party I went to yesterday. It was all moms and this one insisted speaking French to her kid, who spent most of the party with his hand in her bra. It was annoying. And now I'm just sad. I miss my mom, I hate my job, I don't want to go through this. It's hard to make decisions when you know your mind is addled. Luckily tomorrow's dose is smaller- hopefully. Can keep myself from quitting my job. I'm not sure though. This afternoon I'm going to see my friend who has 2 kids alone. I'm not sure I can keep it together. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, and then that makes me mad at me. It's better to be busy. And not coursing with hamster hormones.

More drugs

I called the drs office to report my failure and plan for next ultrasound. They told me my dr is on vacation for 10 days so I'd have to wait. WTF? I already had to forego drugs last month! I convinced them to let me see the other dr. So. Net in yesterday and almost lost my cool. I was waiting, waiting and all the people came in to the office. A gay couple sat sown next to a woman who appeared well past her fertile years and they were chatting away about their twins and how great it is to have babies. Is a waiting room full of infertile couples the right place to have this discussion? Then I was half hour past my appointment, about to miss a work phone call. It's stressful. But then they called me in and the dr was pleased with my ovarian reserve. 7 follicles starting on right side. For some reason I don't know what he said about left. I told him I've had 4 failed IUI's and he looked at my chart. "you're 39!" no, next month I'll be 39. Anyway, he assigned me a huge dosage of Gonal f! 225ml. Last time I was on 75. But we have a different goal this time- to create more eggs. Now I'm sitting home waiting for the FedEx man. I'll miss Zumba if he's not here in the next 10 minutes. Being stuck in the house isn't so bad- I can clean. Now the risk of twins is 13%. In perspective, the rate of miscarriage is 25%. twins wouldn't be the end of the world. The first year would be really hard, and there are health risks, but then they'd have a permanent friend. Given that my last 4 eggs have resulted in zero, it's not clear 6 eggs would result in twins. I don't know how the dr calculates those odds.

Keep hope alive?

I tested too early! Theres still a 20% chance, but I don't really feel it. Still full of blue veins, but no metallic taste or sense of smell. Just feel fairly normally PMS.I'm drinking beer- that's the only bright side of mo failure. But I can't call the dr til the next cycle starts. My boss goes out of town Thursday so perhaps the timing for this next month will work out ok.

Test day

More failure. I had a wave of panic last night that this was all going to come real, but no. Still my same old boring life. Even looking at the glass half full, that it could still work out, it's so much disappointment, money and missed work. And to think of the steam room and wine I missed in Sonoma! So now hopefully my period doesn't start until Thursday. Then I can go to the dr Friday, without making excuses at work. I'll have to go 3 times the following week, but I have a couple excuses ready. I also now have to find another donor. No need to get depressed- this month we'll make more eggs and the chances are better. (what if I can't make more? My friend has been making 2 eggs on Clomid, same dose as me, where I only make one.)

To test?

Day 12. I could test tomorrow morning. I'm scared. I'm scared of either result, or just having a result. not that it's the final word, but it's a lot of effort each time, and it would be 4 late days of work for the ultrasounds, unless the first one were Friday, that would be ok. But theres no getting out of at least 2 missed half days. Maybe the dr could refer me to someone closer to do the ultrasounds. Maybe it's just not meant to be. no symptoms today.

beer

day 11. I think i see blue veins on my boobs and Montgomery glands. I've seen them before though, so it may not mean much. No nausea- that would be a real tell tale symptom. No runny nose either- I read those are a sign of estrogen increase. No heightened sense of smell either. On the one hand, it's only 11 days so maybe those wouldn't kick in yet anyway. I drank beer today. It's hard not too when there are no signs, and 3 failures. I do feel a little bad, but it's not as if I had 6.

Symptoms?

I think it may just be the progesterone suppositories, but I'm hassled than I've ever been. Last night it was so bad at dinner it felt like stabbing pains in my belly. I was constipated too. I've been farting for at least 3 days. My nipples were sore a few days ago, but not at the moment. Boobs a little sore. Vivid dreams. I think these could all be the progesterone. The gas wasn't like this last month, but otherwise I guess it's the same stuff. Twinges in the ovaries. It's only 8dpo so too soon to expect an answer. It's July 18. One year anniversary of my moms death. It would be nice if baby implanted today. Not supposed to test for 6 more days. I think I'll know before then. It's felt pretty much the same each month. I'm good with the reduced alcohol and caffeine. Pretty good anyway.

Keeping positive

In previous months I've refused to give up beer and coffee during the 2 week wait, since the odds are i wasn't pregnant. That turned out to be true. This month Ive decided to assume I very well could be pregnant and to cut back on those things. Not down to 0, but a lot. (at most it's 100 cells- not eating yet, right?) I also finally bought something called "prenatal vitamin". I had been superstitious about that too. Funnily enough, the ingredients are exactly the same as those in my normal multivitamin. I feel like it's different this month. I've felt my uterus more, but even before the IUI so that may not mean much. My boobs are sore today. It's only day 4, so looking for symptoms is crazy. I go on vacation in 2 days- swimming, massages, yoga! No sauna though,or hot tub. I'm assuming there's a little cell sack in there that wouldn't like the heat. Went back to acupuncture yesterday is very relaxing. Now my Qi is arranged, but I forgot to make my next appointment.

IUI

IUI yesterday. The ovulation test was pink, not red, but I decided to go for it. My ovaries were tinge-y and I was worried I'd miss it. It was day 15 and I had the senior doctor since mine was on vacation. I guess it went ok. He said something about there being "overflow" and so he left the speculum in contact with my cervix for a while. That seemed weird. Did he not shoot it all in? Who knows. I have to say, I'm feeling positive. I like the idea of it working without drugs. Maybe the acupuncture just puts me in a good mood? I already feel kind of full. I wonder why my ovaries were so noticeable for the past 4 days when I wasn't on any drugs to swell them? Maybe the previous months of medicine stay in one's system? Work's busy. It's hard to come up with reasons to miss so many days.

Day 13

The dr said the follicle was 14mm Friday, so to do the ovulation tests and if no sign, to trigger Monday for Wednesday. The timing of that seems to have more to do with his schedule than mine. He's on vacation Monday and tuesday. I didn't test yesterday, since I can't go in Sundays, but that was a mistake because it would be good to know I didn't miss it. Otherwise I'm paying $1350 for nothing. So hopefully the test will turn red today or tomorrow. If not,null trigger tomorrow, but with doubts. How does the trigger shot work if you were about to O anyway? The dude I so etimes sleep with was here last night. He couldn't get it up. That's always frustrating, but it's more complicated when you also want sperm and timing..

Needles

Typing is hard tonight. I went to my first session of acupuncture. It was cool, but the needle between my thum and index finger hurt and my thumb still hurts. It's aimed at fertility, but the lady doing it is trying to get pregnant and she went to consult an aryuvedic dr... Ultrasound today looks good dr says to trigger Monday for Wednesday. Oh test may put it sooner, and then my dr is out of town so I'd doit with the more established guy.

More views of my hoo hoo

The dr wants me to go in for another ultrasound Friday. At this point I think I'm paying his mortgage! What will we see with an u/s that we couldn't know with the ovulation pee strips? I suspect he wants me to come in so he can talk to me about upping the drugs. I'm ok with that. I don't look forward to paying $250 for the conversation. I was just on vacation with family and it made me think I want a partner and family. I just don't know how to make it happen. Maybe the baby isn't working because I'm supposed to find the man first? But there's no time! I'm dieting. I still hope the post-baby discovery of a nice divorced dad could work out. I'm trying my first round of acupuncture this week.

But wait

I realize now I don't have to wait until August. I can try again this month, I just can't use the drugs. But I can wait for ovulation, and if it occurs naturally, I can go ahead next week. I'll call dr tomorrow and see what he thinks. Wouldn't it be nice to succeed without the $1500 injections?

Vacation

I am headed back home after a week away. It was a good trip. I spread my moms ashes on a waterfall that she had once liked. We saw old family friends and I spent some quality time with my dad. He even let me drive. He's getting old. It was relaxing to be away from my day to day life. I think I have to work n hi gs that I want. It would be nice to go up to a cabin on a lake or river for weekends and have the family and friend's to fill it. The news of no success colored the trip, and I saw 2 old friend's who wanted the recount of my life. I always feel like a loser when I have no hubs and no kids to report on. It's a work in progress.

more failure

Not pregnant. And now I cant try again until August. I think we will have to up the drugs. The odds of IUI working once you have failed 3 is very small. Maybe it goes up if you have more eggs at play. Disappointing for sure. Now I go to do the ashesnwith no real positive on my side. I guess I have hope, a little. It may be nice to be drug free for a month.

Test tomorrow

I'm going to test tomorrow morning before I leave on vacation. It's 2 days early, but according to the test, it should be 90% accuracy. I think it very well may be negative. I'm feeling pretty premenstrual. Crampy. I've read that's how it feels sometimes. My only real symptom is the smell sensitive, but even that isn't connected to nausea. I'm spreading my mom's ashes next week. It would be a little less depressing if I thought I was going to have a baby soon. I think she would have like that, though what she most wanted for me was a husband. I definitely let her down there, so far. And I guess I do think I'll a kid soon, if not March 8 as I was hoping. Maybe I need to be less sad for the kid to want t oland.

More waiting

It's day 9 post IUI. No real symptoms that I can't pin on the progesterone pills. Yesterday I was very tired at work and kept yawning in meetings. I stayed up until after 10 though, so I guess I wasn't exhausted. I feel twinges in my ovaries but that happened the last few months with Clomid, so I don't know that it means anything. I'm going to visit family all next week, so I may take an early test Friday before I go. I think my aureola may be darker, a little. Maybe not. Just wait! I won't get to try again next month if this was not a success, so it's a little more stressful. And the odds go way down if it doesn't work in the first 3 attempts, so I think the dr might push for IVF. But keeping fingers crossed for this month!

Symptoms?

Day 8. I'm a little tired, eating nonstop, twinges in uterus\ovaries, sensitive to smells- I smell cologne and cigarette smoke everywhere. I started crying at a Mike and the Mechanics song. Also I think I had a hot flash in the car, but it is 97 degrees here, so maybe my Seattle innards were boiling a little. I felt very short moments of nausea. I don't think my boobs are sore. I think it's in there though. And if it's not, the dr says I have to take next month off. Since I'll be out of town for a week when my cycle would start if I'm not knocked up, I can't get to the dr office for the baseline ultrasound. I guess another month wait isnt the end of the world. After 5 months on drugs, maybe it could use a break.

5 days post

So if the egg was fertilized, today it's a blastocyte, ready to implant. No signs of that, though tomorrow thru tuesday seem like more likely timing.

Big day- IUI

I did my tigger shot Saturday night and the IUI today, 36 hours later. It went fine, but who knows? It took dr a while to find my cervix and get the catheter in there, but he said that wasn't a sign of poor timing. I decided to lounge around today instead of rushing off to work. Maybe that helped? I snapped at my boss and hate work today- maybe it's the hormones? I'm feeling like I can't say here. I've been reading Anne Lamott's book"operating instructions" about the first year of her son's life and her being a single mom. It made me hopeful that male figures will come out of the woodwork and friends will come along and help me out. And I'm starting to think it will be very love filled.

2 shots tonight

I went for another ultrasound today. The dr was pleased with one 19 mm follicle. He can't help but comment on my age, so he said my ovarian reserve was good for a woman of my late age. he said we would have good egg reserve if we did IVF. Wtf?! The egg looks good for IUI on Monday and he's planning for what happens if it fails? That's lame-o. I guess the odds are that we are not dne, but it seems like everything is on track! Except I have a 10:30 IUI and an important 10am call for work. Will I do it from out front of the clinic? Fake an illness and reschedule? Today gonal f and ovifrel trigger. I'm not sure I kept it in the fridge and now I read it is supposed to be kept cold. Oopsy.

Inject!

I went for an ultrasound today, day 7, and the dr was happy with the follicular development. One was already 14 cm. I go back in in 2 days and it may already be time to trigger, so the IUI could be Monday. I feel confident. I just did my first night of shots and it wasn't bad at all! The whiskey may have helped. I had 3 drinks. Hopefully i did it right. Now I think I could do it for 2 weeks just fine.

Day 5- should feel something?

I cant remember, even with the help of my blog, how much or when the pain pings started. I think it may have just been around ovulation and so it's not weird that I don't feel anything yet. I'm concerned it won't work, since i didn't ovulate last month on Clomid. There was motion though, it just didn't keep growing once I stopped taking it. Maybe nothing to worry about. A friend had a positive preg test today. She's 10 years younger than I am!

Another day 1

Day 1- AF is back. I'm happy to see it this month. The dr did an ultrasound to make sure there were no cysts and that the little follicles were getting into position. That went fine. Also the nurse showed me how to inject the drugs, so that was handy. Now 5 days of Clomid then another ultrasound Thursday- which means trying to come up with an excuse why I'm not at work that morning. I think my boss will be gone for a week and maybe that will help. I think I have to go in for 2 more ultrasounds the following week and the IUI. The thing about the drugs that makes me nervous is the needle- the nurse said stick it all the way in and I'm not quite sure what that means. It doesn't sound comfy. She said ifni was scared we could practice, but for some dumb reason I denied being scared. I'm not really scared, I'm just not confident, More broadly, I am torn what's happening or what to root for. I'm looking at houses tomorrow. How many bedrooms do I need? Is an hour too long to commute if I do have a kid? Does any working woman spend fewer than 10 hours a day away? Oh, and I stopped seeing the guy I'd been dating. Told him I was planning to have a baby- that did it.

ER or wait for Fed EX?

I'm at home waiting for FedEx to deliver my drugs. I just sliced my thumb on a can so deep that I can see the fatty tissue. It's bleeding a lot and could probably use stitches. But I cant miss the FedEx man- I have to sign for the drugs, and they need to be refrigerated. A new shipment would cost another $1500. ArGhL!

Drug protocol

A lady from a pharmacy I had never heard of called yesterday asking if they had my prescription right. Then she listed 4 drugs I will have to inject into myself. I was surprised. 4! My dr's office hasn't bothered To explain these things to me. It's a little overwhelming. At first I had doubts, There is a sense maybe it's too much effort, forcing UN meant to be things. But I'm Ok with it. After the first few injections it won't be so bad. It is $1480! and that's Just for this month, when I'm only doing half a protocol, since I'm taking Clomid the First 5 days. It might make the whole project useless. Yen the next month we would So a full injectible slate. Hopefully that won't be $2800. The money isn't that big a deal But I wonder if I'm supposed to wait? It would be nice to have a dad. But now I'm Thinking in circles again.

Injectibles, again

I took a blood test yesterday and it turns out I didn't ovulate this month. The Clomid didn't stir any motion in my ovaries. So e dr wantsto move on the 5 days Clomid plus 7 days injectibles. It's a lot of work and money to just get to the first half of the equation. Then there's still only a small chance of success.bi guess we will see.

Maybe still coming?

Its day 16. LH test was negative, but I feel a little pain twanging in my ovary. Maybe we will still see a positive this week? I've seen several people online say the Clomid slows down their cycle. Even to days 20-26! But I don't know that it happens 4 months in. I'm still hopeful to avoid injections.

Wasted fresh sperm

So I got a free donation of fresh sperm, otherwise known as unprotected sex, on day 14. Exciting to the trying to conceive single gal, but alas. No egg means that too was wasted. Well, not waited, but not productive. I just checked the pee test today and it's negative, so that sperm has nowhere to go. I'm sure this is for the best- this guy didn't really think he was signing up to be a dad. I didn't lie to him when he asked if I was on the pill. He kind of gets what he deserves if he's willing to risk it. Speaking of risk, I know. Unprotected sex is not a great idea. But the frozen stuff isn't getting the job done! Maybe dr was right that I just didn't respond this month, work as been stressful. I'll give it this whole week before giving up.

No egg

No egg so no trigger shot. The dr says I'm not ovulating despite the Clomid. He said the same thing last month and he was wrong, so I'm not sure I believe him this month. But there was no big follicle on the ultrasound and it's day 14, so he could be right. He wants me to do the injectibles for 14 days next month. They cost $200 each day and I have to poke myself. I'm not sure what the side effects are, but I suspect they are not pleasant. I guess it's not the end of the world.

Trigger shot: who shoots?

I just picked up my trigger shot for my next IUI.  It cost $200 and came with no needle, though apparently i am supposed to shoot it into myself.  This dr is not giving me enough information!  I go back tomorrow morning, so assuming he is not an hour late again, I should have time to ask some questions.  This is just not what I thought getting pregnant would be like.

Another set back

Today didn't go so well. The dr was an hour late, which was annoying. Then we did the ultrasound and saw small follicles, so he said come back in 3-5 days and we will do another one. This doesn't seem like an improvement over just peeing on the LH tests. I missed 4 hours of work just to be told, too early! I knew it was too early. I guess I misunderstood the way the trigger thing would work. Now I don't see what it is doing over just letting it happen. And I'm worried we will run into Sunday again. I just don't know,

Trigger shot day

At 9:45 I have an ultrasound and trigger shot. I'm embarrassed to admit I don't know what the shot is of or how it works. I think it's FSH and it controls the timing of ovulation more precisely than if we just wait for the LH test to turn positive. It's day 11. I think now I go back in 2 days for the IUI. Of course, if we don't see any follicles on the ultrasound, then theres nothing to trigger. I think that's unlikely since I have been ovulating on Clomid. I haven't had any cramps this month yet to suggest ovary swelling, but last month it was just one day. The guy I've been seeing is gone for 3 weeks. Well, sort of gone. Anyway, he is clearly not interested in daddy duty, so there's no reason to hold off and hope he comes around.

Better to keep going

I had some doubts, thought maybe I should wait for a man, but there is not reason To do so. The guy I've been seeing freaked out over my being surprised we wouldnt see each Other for 3 weeks. Once a week is too much? That's how a dude gets to be 39 and never married. Who needs A man who isnt excited to see you? Oh well. There's no waiting for some dude to decide he's ready to put on big boy pants. Ultrasound Ad trigger shotin 6 days. I'm spending the weekend with high school girls at a camp. I hope that doesn't leave me anti kid. I Am already anti- teen.

Day 2 again

More Clomid starts today. No bad mood yet. And not laid off yet. Not sure whether to sign a lease next week. The dude I've been dating is going away for 2 weeks. For some reason he's ot willing to squeeze me in before he leaves. I guess it's just as well. I havent mentioned my baby plans. He said he thinks having a baby would be awesome. But it was in the abstract.

Complications

I think I'm getting laid off. my boss knows I'm trying to get pregnant, so I think legally they can't fire me. Well, if I were pregnant they couldn't fire me, it's not ideal. While I don't love my job, it pays me and gives me health insurance. Well, I'll find something else, but the timing gets tricky.

Different news

Now the dr says I don't need injectibles because I am responding to the Clomid! It's a relief for sure. In the meantime I backed out of buying a house for a few reasons, including my fear at what the baby making is going to cost. So we are going back to Clomid next week and then an ultrasound and trigger shot to better time ovulation and IUI. This has been nerve wracking is ways I didnt anticipate. Well, I'm happy for now that this may work! It turns out I just missed detecting ovulation last week, but it did happen. I tested twice one day and then once the next in the time it must have happened, but the stick was only pink, not dark. Hmm?

Tests

Today I had a blood test for progesterone, to see if there's evidence ovulation occured this month. I'm not sure what the result would be either way. If there was ovulation, then will the dr just up my Clomid dosage? I think he may push for injectibles either way. But he likes to know. The phlemobotomist who took my blood didn't do a great job. It took two pricks, 2 arms. I sometimes faint, but was ok today.

Bad news

no IUI this month. no ovulation so no IUI. This is not good. It was my third month on Clomid, so now the doctor says we have to move onto injectibles. I guess I can get over the hurdle of injecting myself for 5 days, but it costs $5000 per month! I called my insurance and that was useless. They say they pay for "treatment" but ot "artificial" technologies. I have no idea where that leaves me. Thus sucks. And now I have to wnder, am I forcing nature too much? Is this just to meant to be? Are the odds still 17%?

The pain of timing. One more day

LH test is pink, but not as dark as it should be. I don't know, I feel the pains.

Not today, and an option

The little twang in my ovary means something is starting, but the LH test is still negative. Maybe tomorrow. Then I can go in Friday. I called my drs office today and they want to do an ultrasound Friday to what's up. Fine with me. Knowledge is power. I'm tempted to buy some ici sperm that I can insert at hem- kind of a back up shot. It's weird not to know which one worked though, if one works. I'm getting excited.

Any day now

I tested twice today- it feels like it will be soon. Not today though. I'll come home at lunch to test tomorrow. It's inconvenient to have to test from 10-4 pm. Those are work hours! But I like an occasional lunch at home. I feel a pinchin my right ovary. So if it's positive tomorrow, IUI Thursday. Not idea, work wise, but fine. I have a passover Friday and Easter Sunday, so lots of religious tidings if it happens this week! Friday would be ideal. This will be month 3 so if it doesn't work, we may have to change plans. I'm also closing on a new house and my boss is leaving, so everything is up in the air!

Testing again

It's day 10 so I will take a little LH test today. I'm pretty sure it's not time yet, since the last two months with Clomid have made my ovaries very active at ovulation time and I still feel nothing this month. I slept with someone last night and i have a full condom of fresh sperm in my trash. It is almost tempting to stick it in the fridge, for free access to fresh sperm, but I can't do it. The dude is fine- tall, smart, and apparently not crazy, but still. I don't want him tied to me and my kid at this point. And of course theres the unfairness to him. I was so excited about this guy for a few days, I started to think it was more important for me to form a relationship than to race into babymaking, but no. Now I can take it or leave it. Sex is fun, but everyone is complicated. And once men get to their late thirties, they have a lot of sexual shortcomings. I mean, they learn some stuff, which is good, but when push is supposed to come to shove, there have been issues with the last 3 or 4 men I've known. Who needs it? That initial part is fun, when you first start thinking about someone. But then there's the task of idling a whole day with him. That's not easy. And making plans. I think I missed the boat on finding a man I could live with and love. I found myself thinking about my last real boyfriend, 8 years ago. It's all been bogus since him. And I'm pretty set in my ways. I guess that's why I'm moving forward alone now. I'm pretty sure I'll love a baby.

Waiting again

Let's see, last night was my last dose of Clomid, so it must be day 7. I start testing for ovulation in 3 days. So I'm drinking a lot of beer. I have a date in 2 days and I am looking forward to it. It's a second date, so I already know he's ok. We may go play some pool. I won't mention the baby making just yet. Given the past 3 months, there's no reason to assume I'll be pregnant in 3 weeks. But it's possible. I'm just too old to keep waiting. If I were this guy, what would I want to know? I probably would not want to know if a woman was thinking of baby making. I mean, that would just make the guy feel guilty for keeping her from it, or feel pressured to d ate the good stuff. So my secret stays with me. In 3 months it would be a different story. But what are the odds he will still be in the picture? Luckily what I want is not the only factor. Not that I want more than company at the moment. I had doubts a few days ago. Maybe I'm not ready to give up on romance and having a baby the old fashioned way. But there's just no time.

Doubts?

I'm in the 2 week wait between knowing last month didn't work and trying again. I went out on a date Thursday and it was fun. It was nice to have someone flirt with me and to try to look good and go out on the town. It made me think I could imagine a relationship and it would be nice. We could spend weekends skiing and making dinner with another couple in tahoe. that sounds fun to me, though its never happened for me. It puts doubt in my mind about my baby alone plans. I want adult fun. I dont want to move too fast when if i just waited a year... I still think it would be nicer to be a conventional family, but really, what are the chances at this point? Or I could trick him into it.. No, maybe this dude will flake and I'll be reminded why I'm proceeding alone. That's what happened to the last one (the last 6). I wonder if this is enough doubt to put it on hold. But then more months will go by and I'll regret waiting. I don't know. I guess I'll just keep pursuing both and see what comes out.

Take 3 and Oops

Time to face it, this month was not successful. So I refilled my Clomid prescription and I picked a new donor. Im not really proud of my method: drinking and reading a few profiles. It came down to a black law student and a white actor. The law student sounded good and nerdy but maybe dull. The actor had more personality in his audio and the staff description said he was polite and looks like Orlando Bloom. I dnt know. Buy one of each? Today also I sent my donor I.D. release forms to the wrong printer at work- to a building across town from where I was- so I had to ask my assistant, who was in that building, to go get it.  A little embarrassing.  She's 24 and been married 2 years, and I don't imagine she thinks sperm banks are anything but gross.  And she probably blabbed it to the other assistants. Oh well. I make mistakes!

Another month!

Pregnancy test was negative this morning. I could try to find ways it might be wrong, but it seems pretty likely it is right. I tested 14 dpo, so not early. Well, arguably one day early. It's a bummer. Now I have to find a new donor, buy more vials (how many?) and go through the shebang again. It wasn't too bad this month, so it will be ok. I am not looking forward to more Clomid. I have a small doubt it might not ever work. Then I wonder what m doing with my life. But really, it's too soon to get that concerned. It's only been 2 months! And I have a date Thursday. I'm very tempted to try to procure me some fresh sperm. Poor guy has no idea.

Day 13

Crampy, in the middle of the night which is not normal for me. It feels like this month was not successful. I guess I'll know tomorrow. I'm not testing early. On the bright side, I have a date Thursday. It's true that I still hope to find a dad for a kid, but I just don't see how the timing could work. I think the kid has to come first, but then it will be harder to convince a man to come on board. Anyway, the date involves swimming in the cold Bay. An adventure! The last few dates just didn't materialize, so who knows if this will happen. In my world, the path fr A to B is rarely a straight line. I couldnt find a job for a year, so I accepted one in a city I don't know or like, but I'm hoping it will give me experience so I can return to home one day. And the kid. Well, I tried for 20 years to find a baby daddy. It's not as if I rushed into the single mom thing. I just feel at the end of my options. But it would be nice to share the experience with someone, and to have someone look on proudly at the kid. Hopefully my many cousins can play that role to some degree. And I will look on proudly. That will have to be enough.

Time to test?

When to take a pregnancy test? Last month I tested 3 or 4 days early and when it was negative, I didn't have a full answer. I felt bad, because it wasn't a good sign. But when you test early, there is a 30ish percent chance that the test gave a false negative, so hope is still a little alive. Then when it turns out a few days later to really be negative, I'm sad again. So this month I plan not to test early. It's getting hard not to, but for no great reason. I just want to know. It's Saturday and easier to deal with the emotions today than on a Monday morning. And my boss may be leaving, my offer was just accepted on a house- I've never had so much up in the air! I haven't mentioned I'm moving too. The new house and job are in a city about 1.5 hours east of home. Yeah, issues. But it's motherhood-friendly, so it's worth the move. The house has space for a nanny and 2 kids, plus a pool, with fence. So it would be nice to know one thing. Though of course st my age even if pregnant, there's something like a 20% chance of miscarriage, so I won't even know this thing. I guess its exciting? I'll test monday before work. I really can't tell. No smell sensitivity. I have been gassy. We will see soon enough.

Day 11

Today didn't go so well. The dr was an hour late, which was annoying. Then we did the ultrasound and saw small follicles, so he said come back in 3-5 days and we will do another one. This doesn't seem like an improvement over just peeing on the LH tests. I missed 4 hours of work just to be told, too early! I knew it was too early. I guess I misunderstood the way the trigger thing would work. Now I don't see what it is doing over just letting it happen. And I'm worried we will run into Sunday again. I just don't know,

9 days post

Symptoms- a little gassy today, burping. I did have onion rings for lunch. 9 days is enough time for the little ball of cells to implant and start making it's presence known. If it's in there, the HCG should start being produced. That's what a pee test will detect next week if no signs go the other way. Agh the wait. I'm looking for a new house right now too, so lots of change in motion. How many bedrooms do I need? I figure 3 and one day there will be kids in there, I may have to adopt, but that's ok.

Date

I went on a date. Is it too weird? Well, I figure, if I'm not pregnant, then I have to keep living my life. And if I am, then we probably wouldn't date very long, but you never know. This guy has a kid, so maybe he wouldn't find it s impossible. It was fun to be out- get dressed up, bother to put on my contacts and wear heels! The guy said he wanted to go out next week. I guess we'll see. No symptoms. Small cramps, but maybe a normal tinge here and there? Before you pay intense intention to your body you wouldn't realize how much it makes itself felt.

7 days post IUI (7dpi)****** At the moment, I'm 7 days into a cycle, which means my feet were up in the stirrups last Monday. (calling in late for work again). It was my second IUI. It was much easier the second time. The first time the doctor poked around for a while, telling me he was "trying to find" my cervix. Not good words from a doctor. it hurt a little. It is a lot like a pap smear, but a little more pressure. Then he left me alone for 15 minutes while I lay on the table with my knees in the air. I cried. It just hit me that this is not how I thought I'd conceive my child. Then I carefully monitored every symptom. Having a iPad while you're trying to get pregnant is terrible. You can google and read stats and early pregnancy signs nonstop. And I thought I had most of the symptoms. But then along came my period. I was disappointed for sure. Luckily with Clomid, you have something to do right away when your unwanted period starts- you have to refill your Clomid prescription and start taking it again, which feels like progress.******************the second IUI was painless and quick. I think that means my cervix was in a more receptive position. I wonder if the doctor can tell a difference in cervix position between the right moment and wrong? Timing was an issue this time. I think Sunday was the prime time, but the clinic is closed Sundays, so i had to wait until Monday. But it may have been fine. We will know in another week. I kind of want my young handsome doctor to hit on me, but the position he sees me in is not conducive. And I know it won't happen.***** 2 weeks seems like a long wait. I don't feel anything to tell the truth. Last month I had cramping 5 days after and thought it was implantation. More cramping on days 11-12. This time, nothing. But it's early. I guess mid next week I will probably scour my body for signs again. The experience of the negative early pregnancy test was painful last month though, so I'd rather wait until my period is late this time. They are only 70% accurate so a negative is sad, but leaves a lot of room to rationalize about. My third thought after I saw the negative was, oh god, why have I told people I am doing this? Then I had to tell them all it hadnt worked. I see why people keep it secret.

Community- other women's experiences

It's been nice to talk to other women who have had kids through IUI. I know two friends who have done it, and 2 friends of friends. They are all in lesbian couples, so it's a different situation in some ways, but physically they went through the process I'm going through. The best lesson from these other women is that it is unlikely to work the first or second time, but it will likely work eventually. These ladies were all 4-8 years younger than I am now, and yet it still took them 7-13 IUIs to get pregnant. This doesn't mesh with what I've read online. The medical lit, you know, websites that seem to know about doctor stuff, say it should work in the first 1-3 attempts, or it is unlikely to work ever. Well, statistically that may be true, but my sample size of 4 does not reflect that. Another interesting thing about the people I've talked to who have done assisted reproduction, and this is 8 people, they have all had girls. I wonder if it has something to do with the way IUI is timed and sperm speed?

Timing

The next issue is timing. I've known the basic outlines of reproduction for a long time- boy meets girl, girl is hornier in the middle of her menstrual cycle, girl maybe gets lazy about pushing for condoms in those mid cycle days, and girl gets pregnant. I know about ovulation. But it turns out, it's all much more complicated when you are working with a 38 year old uterus and frozen sperm. The doctor put me on Clomid to insure predictable ovulation. I don't jump at the chance to take pills because I don't like how they make me feel. But I'm willing to give it a try. The frozen sperm only live 6 hours when they go into a woman's body, so the timing of the IUI has to be very precise. You need to know when the egg is primed. It feels like you need to know the moment it pops free! But there are issues. Clomid doesn't list any serious side effects, but I think it's making me crazy. I've been moody and had a hot flash. Essentially the Clomid throws your body into menopause and kicks your brain into producing more of the relevant hormones. But on the bright side, it makes very noticeable pains in my ovaries, so I can't miss ovulation. The clinic will see you when you pee on an ovulation predictor kit that tells you the moment is right. It still seems like timing is up in the air too much though. The ovulation predictor is supposed to turn red 24/36 hours before you ovulate, but you only pee on the strips once every 24 hours, so there is still a lot of room for error. I mean, lets say its negative at 8 am Tuesday, and postivie at 8 am wednesday. You would then go in for the iui 10am thursday. But maybe a pee strip would have been red at 11am tuesday.... One could obsess. Especially when each attempt, each IUI, costs $1200! (700 for sperm and 500 for dr) You don't want to time it wrong. And there are other complications. The dr said to test ideally between 10-2, but for women who work in an office, this is not an easy thing to do. I don't want to carry my little sticks and pee cup into the first floor ladies room at 10am. Not that I'm keeping my efforts a secret, but people at work are the last people I want to know what's up. And you have to be able to go to the dr at 10am the day after the test turns red, which is also not so convenient when you work and have a hundred meetings. I've already feigned sick and dentist, dr appointments for the 4 rounds of blood tests I did before starting this process! Ahhh, it seems so much easier to just sleep with one's husband.

How many vials?

Here's something else I had no idea would be an issue- how many vials of the donors good stuff to purchase? Hopefully you only need one and it will work on the first try. But maybe not. And the bank offers a deal if you buy 6 vials. Is that because people need 6???? Then there's the issue of siblings. What if I end up wanting to try to have 2 kids? Would I want the same donor for both? At the moment, I don't care. I'm trying to minimize in my mind the import of the donor, so why would it matter if the two kids are full siblings? I don't know I'll feel in 2 years. I decide that is too much to worry about. I buy 2 vials.(it's $675 a vial, so it's not easy to de die you want to buy excess!). If it doesn't work on the first 2 tries, I'll move on to a new donor.

Choosing a donor

Choosing a sperm donor. It's weird. No 2 ways about it. It can be kind of fun looking through the catelogs. They are shockingly similar to Internet dating websites. You can search the same way- by ethnicity, education level, religion. You read about their interetss and family history. Does it matter 1456 loves gardening? Does that pass down with genes? What does matter? I though I'd look for a college educated black man, because that's what I like to date. But as I started looking, I started realizing that I don't know what really matters genetically. I plan to override the male traits in most cases. Maybe it doesn't matter if he didn't go to college. I'll read to the kid. I'll make him educated. And race isn't too important either. I started to think what matters to me is that the guy is an ID release- meaning he is willing to be known to the kid once the kids turns 18. That oddly ruled out almost all the black donors. I also don't care much about height. If the kid is a boy, I sort of think it would be good for him to be tall, in case kids pick on him. But kids pick on everyone and will find some reason to do it. I also don't want to obsess over all the options. Some of the sperm banks let you hear the donor's voice, see baby pictures, read essays they write. All have a self-reported health history. I came to think I'd like to rule out someone with diseases that are likely to be hereditary. I quickly came to see I have no idea what is hereditary. If I were a normal girl, i'd take the good with the bad of my partners genes. So I don't plan to obsess too much. I chose a Latino med student who talked in his interview about his mom. I like brown- I think the population will grow more brown over time and with his light brown skin, I like to think my kid can go anywhere.

The choice to be a single mom

When you get to be 38, you have seen a lot of your friends have kids, get married, get divorced, lose pregnancies. Maybe you've lost a parent or friend. Whatever has happened, as a single woman you have probably spent hundreds of hours ruminating on your "plan". You know the plan. You were going to get married to your college sweetheart, then maybe grad school sweetheart, or some dude you meet at an alumni meeting.. But none of them stuck. And if you are like me, there have been dates- set ups, blind dates, 80 Internet dates. Perhaps you have met some men with potential who you were sorry to lose, or it's been a series of man-children who can't commit to a Saturday date on Thursday, let alone a life together. Probably you've had a combo. You waited a long time before reconsidering the plan. Well I'm done with my old plan. It's time to have a kid by myself. I'm fortunate that I have a job that now allows me to consider this possibility without going broke. I'm also less lucky, but motivated by, the fact my mom passed away last year. That kind of trauma makes you examine what is important in life. My mom really wanted me to get married and I think she was less interested in whether I had a kid. I think by the end- she was divorced for 20 years -she came around to thinking marriage wasnt so great and a baby was good enough. She was pretty incoherent by the end, but she often hallucinating having babies. So at 38 I'm taking a trip. I'm trying to get pregnant. I have considered adoption and still may go that route. It's a funny thing when you realize it's important to see your own genes reproduced in your kid. For me, I want to see my om in my kid. I find it hard to reconcile the idea of the biology being important to me with the fact that 50% of the kid's genes will come from a stranger. That's a whole different discussion. Since I started thinking seriously about this, I've learned women become single moms in a lot of different ways. Mostly not by choice. So what's so bad about it? There will be some hard times, but frankly I think it will be easier in some ways than trying to keep a man and baby happy, to just focus on one. Especially if I can afford a nanny who stays home tuesday nights when I want to go out. No negotiating whose turn it is. Not that I dislike men. I like men. I have continued to date. I have a date tomorrow in fact. But even if I found mr right right now, how could I have a baby in time? The stats after 37 are grim. I know women manage up to 42, but it's harder and less likely to work. Soil trying now. And I hope that when the kid plays toddler soccer one day, I'll meet. Nice single dad. There's no reason to assume the kid won't ever have a dad just because she doesn't have one to start. Just like the converse.