Vacation

I am headed back home after a week away. It was a good trip. I spread my moms ashes on a waterfall that she had once liked. We saw old family friends and I spent some quality time with my dad. He even let me drive. He's getting old. It was relaxing to be away from my day to day life. I think I have to work n hi gs that I want. It would be nice to go up to a cabin on a lake or river for weekends and have the family and friend's to fill it. The news of no success colored the trip, and I saw 2 old friend's who wanted the recount of my life. I always feel like a loser when I have no hubs and no kids to report on. It's a work in progress.

more failure

Not pregnant. And now I cant try again until August. I think we will have to up the drugs. The odds of IUI working once you have failed 3 is very small. Maybe it goes up if you have more eggs at play. Disappointing for sure. Now I go to do the ashesnwith no real positive on my side. I guess I have hope, a little. It may be nice to be drug free for a month.

Test tomorrow

I'm going to test tomorrow morning before I leave on vacation. It's 2 days early, but according to the test, it should be 90% accuracy. I think it very well may be negative. I'm feeling pretty premenstrual. Crampy. I've read that's how it feels sometimes. My only real symptom is the smell sensitive, but even that isn't connected to nausea. I'm spreading my mom's ashes next week. It would be a little less depressing if I thought I was going to have a baby soon. I think she would have like that, though what she most wanted for me was a husband. I definitely let her down there, so far. And I guess I do think I'll a kid soon, if not March 8 as I was hoping. Maybe I need to be less sad for the kid to want t oland.

More waiting

It's day 9 post IUI. No real symptoms that I can't pin on the progesterone pills. Yesterday I was very tired at work and kept yawning in meetings. I stayed up until after 10 though, so I guess I wasn't exhausted. I feel twinges in my ovaries but that happened the last few months with Clomid, so I don't know that it means anything. I'm going to visit family all next week, so I may take an early test Friday before I go. I think my aureola may be darker, a little. Maybe not. Just wait! I won't get to try again next month if this was not a success, so it's a little more stressful. And the odds go way down if it doesn't work in the first 3 attempts, so I think the dr might push for IVF. But keeping fingers crossed for this month!

Symptoms?

Day 8. I'm a little tired, eating nonstop, twinges in uterus\ovaries, sensitive to smells- I smell cologne and cigarette smoke everywhere. I started crying at a Mike and the Mechanics song. Also I think I had a hot flash in the car, but it is 97 degrees here, so maybe my Seattle innards were boiling a little. I felt very short moments of nausea. I don't think my boobs are sore. I think it's in there though. And if it's not, the dr says I have to take next month off. Since I'll be out of town for a week when my cycle would start if I'm not knocked up, I can't get to the dr office for the baseline ultrasound. I guess another month wait isnt the end of the world. After 5 months on drugs, maybe it could use a break.

5 days post

So if the egg was fertilized, today it's a blastocyte, ready to implant. No signs of that, though tomorrow thru tuesday seem like more likely timing.

Big day- IUI

I did my tigger shot Saturday night and the IUI today, 36 hours later. It went fine, but who knows? It took dr a while to find my cervix and get the catheter in there, but he said that wasn't a sign of poor timing. I decided to lounge around today instead of rushing off to work. Maybe that helped? I snapped at my boss and hate work today- maybe it's the hormones? I'm feeling like I can't say here. I've been reading Anne Lamott's book"operating instructions" about the first year of her son's life and her being a single mom. It made me hopeful that male figures will come out of the woodwork and friends will come along and help me out. And I'm starting to think it will be very love filled.

2 shots tonight

I went for another ultrasound today. The dr was pleased with one 19 mm follicle. He can't help but comment on my age, so he said my ovarian reserve was good for a woman of my late age. he said we would have good egg reserve if we did IVF. Wtf?! The egg looks good for IUI on Monday and he's planning for what happens if it fails? That's lame-o. I guess the odds are that we are not dne, but it seems like everything is on track! Except I have a 10:30 IUI and an important 10am call for work. Will I do it from out front of the clinic? Fake an illness and reschedule? Today gonal f and ovifrel trigger. I'm not sure I kept it in the fridge and now I read it is supposed to be kept cold. Oopsy.

Inject!

I went for an ultrasound today, day 7, and the dr was happy with the follicular development. One was already 14 cm. I go back in in 2 days and it may already be time to trigger, so the IUI could be Monday. I feel confident. I just did my first night of shots and it wasn't bad at all! The whiskey may have helped. I had 3 drinks. Hopefully i did it right. Now I think I could do it for 2 weeks just fine.

Day 5- should feel something?

I cant remember, even with the help of my blog, how much or when the pain pings started. I think it may have just been around ovulation and so it's not weird that I don't feel anything yet. I'm concerned it won't work, since i didn't ovulate last month on Clomid. There was motion though, it just didn't keep growing once I stopped taking it. Maybe nothing to worry about. A friend had a positive preg test today. She's 10 years younger than I am!

Another day 1

Day 1- AF is back. I'm happy to see it this month. The dr did an ultrasound to make sure there were no cysts and that the little follicles were getting into position. That went fine. Also the nurse showed me how to inject the drugs, so that was handy. Now 5 days of Clomid then another ultrasound Thursday- which means trying to come up with an excuse why I'm not at work that morning. I think my boss will be gone for a week and maybe that will help. I think I have to go in for 2 more ultrasounds the following week and the IUI. The thing about the drugs that makes me nervous is the needle- the nurse said stick it all the way in and I'm not quite sure what that means. It doesn't sound comfy. She said ifni was scared we could practice, but for some dumb reason I denied being scared. I'm not really scared, I'm just not confident, More broadly, I am torn what's happening or what to root for. I'm looking at houses tomorrow. How many bedrooms do I need? Is an hour too long to commute if I do have a kid? Does any working woman spend fewer than 10 hours a day away? Oh, and I stopped seeing the guy I'd been dating. Told him I was planning to have a baby- that did it.