Waiting again

Let's see, last night was my last dose of Clomid, so it must be day 7. I start testing for ovulation in 3 days. So I'm drinking a lot of beer. I have a date in 2 days and I am looking forward to it. It's a second date, so I already know he's ok. We may go play some pool. I won't mention the baby making just yet. Given the past 3 months, there's no reason to assume I'll be pregnant in 3 weeks. But it's possible. I'm just too old to keep waiting. If I were this guy, what would I want to know? I probably would not want to know if a woman was thinking of baby making. I mean, that would just make the guy feel guilty for keeping her from it, or feel pressured to d ate the good stuff. So my secret stays with me. In 3 months it would be a different story. But what are the odds he will still be in the picture? Luckily what I want is not the only factor. Not that I want more than company at the moment. I had doubts a few days ago. Maybe I'm not ready to give up on romance and having a baby the old fashioned way. But there's just no time.

Doubts?

I'm in the 2 week wait between knowing last month didn't work and trying again. I went out on a date Thursday and it was fun. It was nice to have someone flirt with me and to try to look good and go out on the town. It made me think I could imagine a relationship and it would be nice. We could spend weekends skiing and making dinner with another couple in tahoe. that sounds fun to me, though its never happened for me. It puts doubt in my mind about my baby alone plans. I want adult fun. I dont want to move too fast when if i just waited a year... I still think it would be nicer to be a conventional family, but really, what are the chances at this point? Or I could trick him into it.. No, maybe this dude will flake and I'll be reminded why I'm proceeding alone. That's what happened to the last one (the last 6). I wonder if this is enough doubt to put it on hold. But then more months will go by and I'll regret waiting. I don't know. I guess I'll just keep pursuing both and see what comes out.

Take 3 and Oops

Time to face it, this month was not successful. So I refilled my Clomid prescription and I picked a new donor. Im not really proud of my method: drinking and reading a few profiles. It came down to a black law student and a white actor. The law student sounded good and nerdy but maybe dull. The actor had more personality in his audio and the staff description said he was polite and looks like Orlando Bloom. I dnt know. Buy one of each? Today also I sent my donor I.D. release forms to the wrong printer at work- to a building across town from where I was- so I had to ask my assistant, who was in that building, to go get it.  A little embarrassing.  She's 24 and been married 2 years, and I don't imagine she thinks sperm banks are anything but gross.  And she probably blabbed it to the other assistants. Oh well. I make mistakes!

Another month!

Pregnancy test was negative this morning. I could try to find ways it might be wrong, but it seems pretty likely it is right. I tested 14 dpo, so not early. Well, arguably one day early. It's a bummer. Now I have to find a new donor, buy more vials (how many?) and go through the shebang again. It wasn't too bad this month, so it will be ok. I am not looking forward to more Clomid. I have a small doubt it might not ever work. Then I wonder what m doing with my life. But really, it's too soon to get that concerned. It's only been 2 months! And I have a date Thursday. I'm very tempted to try to procure me some fresh sperm. Poor guy has no idea.

Day 13

Crampy, in the middle of the night which is not normal for me. It feels like this month was not successful. I guess I'll know tomorrow. I'm not testing early. On the bright side, I have a date Thursday. It's true that I still hope to find a dad for a kid, but I just don't see how the timing could work. I think the kid has to come first, but then it will be harder to convince a man to come on board. Anyway, the date involves swimming in the cold Bay. An adventure! The last few dates just didn't materialize, so who knows if this will happen. In my world, the path fr A to B is rarely a straight line. I couldnt find a job for a year, so I accepted one in a city I don't know or like, but I'm hoping it will give me experience so I can return to home one day. And the kid. Well, I tried for 20 years to find a baby daddy. It's not as if I rushed into the single mom thing. I just feel at the end of my options. But it would be nice to share the experience with someone, and to have someone look on proudly at the kid. Hopefully my many cousins can play that role to some degree. And I will look on proudly. That will have to be enough.

Time to test?

When to take a pregnancy test? Last month I tested 3 or 4 days early and when it was negative, I didn't have a full answer. I felt bad, because it wasn't a good sign. But when you test early, there is a 30ish percent chance that the test gave a false negative, so hope is still a little alive. Then when it turns out a few days later to really be negative, I'm sad again. So this month I plan not to test early. It's getting hard not to, but for no great reason. I just want to know. It's Saturday and easier to deal with the emotions today than on a Monday morning. And my boss may be leaving, my offer was just accepted on a house- I've never had so much up in the air! I haven't mentioned I'm moving too. The new house and job are in a city about 1.5 hours east of home. Yeah, issues. But it's motherhood-friendly, so it's worth the move. The house has space for a nanny and 2 kids, plus a pool, with fence. So it would be nice to know one thing. Though of course st my age even if pregnant, there's something like a 20% chance of miscarriage, so I won't even know this thing. I guess its exciting? I'll test monday before work. I really can't tell. No smell sensitivity. I have been gassy. We will see soon enough.

Day 11

Today didn't go so well. The dr was an hour late, which was annoying. Then we did the ultrasound and saw small follicles, so he said come back in 3-5 days and we will do another one. This doesn't seem like an improvement over just peeing on the LH tests. I missed 4 hours of work just to be told, too early! I knew it was too early. I guess I misunderstood the way the trigger thing would work. Now I don't see what it is doing over just letting it happen. And I'm worried we will run into Sunday again. I just don't know,

9 days post

Symptoms- a little gassy today, burping. I did have onion rings for lunch. 9 days is enough time for the little ball of cells to implant and start making it's presence known. If it's in there, the HCG should start being produced. That's what a pee test will detect next week if no signs go the other way. Agh the wait. I'm looking for a new house right now too, so lots of change in motion. How many bedrooms do I need? I figure 3 and one day there will be kids in there, I may have to adopt, but that's ok.

Date

I went on a date. Is it too weird? Well, I figure, if I'm not pregnant, then I have to keep living my life. And if I am, then we probably wouldn't date very long, but you never know. This guy has a kid, so maybe he wouldn't find it s impossible. It was fun to be out- get dressed up, bother to put on my contacts and wear heels! The guy said he wanted to go out next week. I guess we'll see. No symptoms. Small cramps, but maybe a normal tinge here and there? Before you pay intense intention to your body you wouldn't realize how much it makes itself felt.

7 days post IUI (7dpi)****** At the moment, I'm 7 days into a cycle, which means my feet were up in the stirrups last Monday. (calling in late for work again). It was my second IUI. It was much easier the second time. The first time the doctor poked around for a while, telling me he was "trying to find" my cervix. Not good words from a doctor. it hurt a little. It is a lot like a pap smear, but a little more pressure. Then he left me alone for 15 minutes while I lay on the table with my knees in the air. I cried. It just hit me that this is not how I thought I'd conceive my child. Then I carefully monitored every symptom. Having a iPad while you're trying to get pregnant is terrible. You can google and read stats and early pregnancy signs nonstop. And I thought I had most of the symptoms. But then along came my period. I was disappointed for sure. Luckily with Clomid, you have something to do right away when your unwanted period starts- you have to refill your Clomid prescription and start taking it again, which feels like progress.******************the second IUI was painless and quick. I think that means my cervix was in a more receptive position. I wonder if the doctor can tell a difference in cervix position between the right moment and wrong? Timing was an issue this time. I think Sunday was the prime time, but the clinic is closed Sundays, so i had to wait until Monday. But it may have been fine. We will know in another week. I kind of want my young handsome doctor to hit on me, but the position he sees me in is not conducive. And I know it won't happen.***** 2 weeks seems like a long wait. I don't feel anything to tell the truth. Last month I had cramping 5 days after and thought it was implantation. More cramping on days 11-12. This time, nothing. But it's early. I guess mid next week I will probably scour my body for signs again. The experience of the negative early pregnancy test was painful last month though, so I'd rather wait until my period is late this time. They are only 70% accurate so a negative is sad, but leaves a lot of room to rationalize about. My third thought after I saw the negative was, oh god, why have I told people I am doing this? Then I had to tell them all it hadnt worked. I see why people keep it secret.

Community- other women's experiences

It's been nice to talk to other women who have had kids through IUI. I know two friends who have done it, and 2 friends of friends. They are all in lesbian couples, so it's a different situation in some ways, but physically they went through the process I'm going through. The best lesson from these other women is that it is unlikely to work the first or second time, but it will likely work eventually. These ladies were all 4-8 years younger than I am now, and yet it still took them 7-13 IUIs to get pregnant. This doesn't mesh with what I've read online. The medical lit, you know, websites that seem to know about doctor stuff, say it should work in the first 1-3 attempts, or it is unlikely to work ever. Well, statistically that may be true, but my sample size of 4 does not reflect that. Another interesting thing about the people I've talked to who have done assisted reproduction, and this is 8 people, they have all had girls. I wonder if it has something to do with the way IUI is timed and sperm speed?

Timing

The next issue is timing. I've known the basic outlines of reproduction for a long time- boy meets girl, girl is hornier in the middle of her menstrual cycle, girl maybe gets lazy about pushing for condoms in those mid cycle days, and girl gets pregnant. I know about ovulation. But it turns out, it's all much more complicated when you are working with a 38 year old uterus and frozen sperm. The doctor put me on Clomid to insure predictable ovulation. I don't jump at the chance to take pills because I don't like how they make me feel. But I'm willing to give it a try. The frozen sperm only live 6 hours when they go into a woman's body, so the timing of the IUI has to be very precise. You need to know when the egg is primed. It feels like you need to know the moment it pops free! But there are issues. Clomid doesn't list any serious side effects, but I think it's making me crazy. I've been moody and had a hot flash. Essentially the Clomid throws your body into menopause and kicks your brain into producing more of the relevant hormones. But on the bright side, it makes very noticeable pains in my ovaries, so I can't miss ovulation. The clinic will see you when you pee on an ovulation predictor kit that tells you the moment is right. It still seems like timing is up in the air too much though. The ovulation predictor is supposed to turn red 24/36 hours before you ovulate, but you only pee on the strips once every 24 hours, so there is still a lot of room for error. I mean, lets say its negative at 8 am Tuesday, and postivie at 8 am wednesday. You would then go in for the iui 10am thursday. But maybe a pee strip would have been red at 11am tuesday.... One could obsess. Especially when each attempt, each IUI, costs $1200! (700 for sperm and 500 for dr) You don't want to time it wrong. And there are other complications. The dr said to test ideally between 10-2, but for women who work in an office, this is not an easy thing to do. I don't want to carry my little sticks and pee cup into the first floor ladies room at 10am. Not that I'm keeping my efforts a secret, but people at work are the last people I want to know what's up. And you have to be able to go to the dr at 10am the day after the test turns red, which is also not so convenient when you work and have a hundred meetings. I've already feigned sick and dentist, dr appointments for the 4 rounds of blood tests I did before starting this process! Ahhh, it seems so much easier to just sleep with one's husband.

How many vials?

Here's something else I had no idea would be an issue- how many vials of the donors good stuff to purchase? Hopefully you only need one and it will work on the first try. But maybe not. And the bank offers a deal if you buy 6 vials. Is that because people need 6???? Then there's the issue of siblings. What if I end up wanting to try to have 2 kids? Would I want the same donor for both? At the moment, I don't care. I'm trying to minimize in my mind the import of the donor, so why would it matter if the two kids are full siblings? I don't know I'll feel in 2 years. I decide that is too much to worry about. I buy 2 vials.(it's $675 a vial, so it's not easy to de die you want to buy excess!). If it doesn't work on the first 2 tries, I'll move on to a new donor.

Choosing a donor

Choosing a sperm donor. It's weird. No 2 ways about it. It can be kind of fun looking through the catelogs. They are shockingly similar to Internet dating websites. You can search the same way- by ethnicity, education level, religion. You read about their interetss and family history. Does it matter 1456 loves gardening? Does that pass down with genes? What does matter? I though I'd look for a college educated black man, because that's what I like to date. But as I started looking, I started realizing that I don't know what really matters genetically. I plan to override the male traits in most cases. Maybe it doesn't matter if he didn't go to college. I'll read to the kid. I'll make him educated. And race isn't too important either. I started to think what matters to me is that the guy is an ID release- meaning he is willing to be known to the kid once the kids turns 18. That oddly ruled out almost all the black donors. I also don't care much about height. If the kid is a boy, I sort of think it would be good for him to be tall, in case kids pick on him. But kids pick on everyone and will find some reason to do it. I also don't want to obsess over all the options. Some of the sperm banks let you hear the donor's voice, see baby pictures, read essays they write. All have a self-reported health history. I came to think I'd like to rule out someone with diseases that are likely to be hereditary. I quickly came to see I have no idea what is hereditary. If I were a normal girl, i'd take the good with the bad of my partners genes. So I don't plan to obsess too much. I chose a Latino med student who talked in his interview about his mom. I like brown- I think the population will grow more brown over time and with his light brown skin, I like to think my kid can go anywhere.

The choice to be a single mom

When you get to be 38, you have seen a lot of your friends have kids, get married, get divorced, lose pregnancies. Maybe you've lost a parent or friend. Whatever has happened, as a single woman you have probably spent hundreds of hours ruminating on your "plan". You know the plan. You were going to get married to your college sweetheart, then maybe grad school sweetheart, or some dude you meet at an alumni meeting.. But none of them stuck. And if you are like me, there have been dates- set ups, blind dates, 80 Internet dates. Perhaps you have met some men with potential who you were sorry to lose, or it's been a series of man-children who can't commit to a Saturday date on Thursday, let alone a life together. Probably you've had a combo. You waited a long time before reconsidering the plan. Well I'm done with my old plan. It's time to have a kid by myself. I'm fortunate that I have a job that now allows me to consider this possibility without going broke. I'm also less lucky, but motivated by, the fact my mom passed away last year. That kind of trauma makes you examine what is important in life. My mom really wanted me to get married and I think she was less interested in whether I had a kid. I think by the end- she was divorced for 20 years -she came around to thinking marriage wasnt so great and a baby was good enough. She was pretty incoherent by the end, but she often hallucinating having babies. So at 38 I'm taking a trip. I'm trying to get pregnant. I have considered adoption and still may go that route. It's a funny thing when you realize it's important to see your own genes reproduced in your kid. For me, I want to see my om in my kid. I find it hard to reconcile the idea of the biology being important to me with the fact that 50% of the kid's genes will come from a stranger. That's a whole different discussion. Since I started thinking seriously about this, I've learned women become single moms in a lot of different ways. Mostly not by choice. So what's so bad about it? There will be some hard times, but frankly I think it will be easier in some ways than trying to keep a man and baby happy, to just focus on one. Especially if I can afford a nanny who stays home tuesday nights when I want to go out. No negotiating whose turn it is. Not that I dislike men. I like men. I have continued to date. I have a date tomorrow in fact. But even if I found mr right right now, how could I have a baby in time? The stats after 37 are grim. I know women manage up to 42, but it's harder and less likely to work. Soil trying now. And I hope that when the kid plays toddler soccer one day, I'll meet. Nice single dad. There's no reason to assume the kid won't ever have a dad just because she doesn't have one to start. Just like the converse.