See the progress tomorrow

Second thoughts

I've been two to parties in the past two days that have made me question this kid having idea. Whining kids and moms with nothing else to talk about. But what else do adults do? I sometimes think it's not working out because I don't really want it, at least alone. That could be.

Mood swings

I think the higher doses of the meds are having a negative mood effect. I couldn't stand a party I went to yesterday. It was all moms and this one insisted speaking French to her kid, who spent most of the party with his hand in her bra. It was annoying. And now I'm just sad. I miss my mom, I hate my job, I don't want to go through this. It's hard to make decisions when you know your mind is addled. Luckily tomorrow's dose is smaller- hopefully. Can keep myself from quitting my job. I'm not sure though. This afternoon I'm going to see my friend who has 2 kids alone. I'm not sure I can keep it together. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, and then that makes me mad at me. It's better to be busy. And not coursing with hamster hormones.

More drugs

I called the drs office to report my failure and plan for next ultrasound. They told me my dr is on vacation for 10 days so I'd have to wait. WTF? I already had to forego drugs last month! I convinced them to let me see the other dr. So. Net in yesterday and almost lost my cool. I was waiting, waiting and all the people came in to the office. A gay couple sat sown next to a woman who appeared well past her fertile years and they were chatting away about their twins and how great it is to have babies. Is a waiting room full of infertile couples the right place to have this discussion? Then I was half hour past my appointment, about to miss a work phone call. It's stressful. But then they called me in and the dr was pleased with my ovarian reserve. 7 follicles starting on right side. For some reason I don't know what he said about left. I told him I've had 4 failed IUI's and he looked at my chart. "you're 39!" no, next month I'll be 39. Anyway, he assigned me a huge dosage of Gonal f! 225ml. Last time I was on 75. But we have a different goal this time- to create more eggs. Now I'm sitting home waiting for the FedEx man. I'll miss Zumba if he's not here in the next 10 minutes. Being stuck in the house isn't so bad- I can clean. Now the risk of twins is 13%. In perspective, the rate of miscarriage is 25%. twins wouldn't be the end of the world. The first year would be really hard, and there are health risks, but then they'd have a permanent friend. Given that my last 4 eggs have resulted in zero, it's not clear 6 eggs would result in twins. I don't know how the dr calculates those odds.

Keep hope alive?

I tested too early! Theres still a 20% chance, but I don't really feel it. Still full of blue veins, but no metallic taste or sense of smell. Just feel fairly normally PMS.I'm drinking beer- that's the only bright side of mo failure. But I can't call the dr til the next cycle starts. My boss goes out of town Thursday so perhaps the timing for this next month will work out ok.

Test day

More failure. I had a wave of panic last night that this was all going to come real, but no. Still my same old boring life. Even looking at the glass half full, that it could still work out, it's so much disappointment, money and missed work. And to think of the steam room and wine I missed in Sonoma! So now hopefully my period doesn't start until Thursday. Then I can go to the dr Friday, without making excuses at work. I'll have to go 3 times the following week, but I have a couple excuses ready. I also now have to find another donor. No need to get depressed- this month we'll make more eggs and the chances are better. (what if I can't make more? My friend has been making 2 eggs on Clomid, same dose as me, where I only make one.)

To test?

Day 12. I could test tomorrow morning. I'm scared. I'm scared of either result, or just having a result. not that it's the final word, but it's a lot of effort each time, and it would be 4 late days of work for the ultrasounds, unless the first one were Friday, that would be ok. But theres no getting out of at least 2 missed half days. Maybe the dr could refer me to someone closer to do the ultrasounds. Maybe it's just not meant to be. no symptoms today.

beer

day 11. I think i see blue veins on my boobs and Montgomery glands. I've seen them before though, so it may not mean much. No nausea- that would be a real tell tale symptom. No runny nose either- I read those are a sign of estrogen increase. No heightened sense of smell either. On the one hand, it's only 11 days so maybe those wouldn't kick in yet anyway. I drank beer today. It's hard not too when there are no signs, and 3 failures. I do feel a little bad, but it's not as if I had 6.

Symptoms?

I think it may just be the progesterone suppositories, but I'm hassled than I've ever been. Last night it was so bad at dinner it felt like stabbing pains in my belly. I was constipated too. I've been farting for at least 3 days. My nipples were sore a few days ago, but not at the moment. Boobs a little sore. Vivid dreams. I think these could all be the progesterone. The gas wasn't like this last month, but otherwise I guess it's the same stuff. Twinges in the ovaries. It's only 8dpo so too soon to expect an answer. It's July 18. One year anniversary of my moms death. It would be nice if baby implanted today. Not supposed to test for 6 more days. I think I'll know before then. It's felt pretty much the same each month. I'm good with the reduced alcohol and caffeine. Pretty good anyway.

Keeping positive

In previous months I've refused to give up beer and coffee during the 2 week wait, since the odds are i wasn't pregnant. That turned out to be true. This month Ive decided to assume I very well could be pregnant and to cut back on those things. Not down to 0, but a lot. (at most it's 100 cells- not eating yet, right?) I also finally bought something called "prenatal vitamin". I had been superstitious about that too. Funnily enough, the ingredients are exactly the same as those in my normal multivitamin. I feel like it's different this month. I've felt my uterus more, but even before the IUI so that may not mean much. My boobs are sore today. It's only day 4, so looking for symptoms is crazy. I go on vacation in 2 days- swimming, massages, yoga! No sauna though,or hot tub. I'm assuming there's a little cell sack in there that wouldn't like the heat. Went back to acupuncture yesterday is very relaxing. Now my Qi is arranged, but I forgot to make my next appointment.

IUI

IUI yesterday. The ovulation test was pink, not red, but I decided to go for it. My ovaries were tinge-y and I was worried I'd miss it. It was day 15 and I had the senior doctor since mine was on vacation. I guess it went ok. He said something about there being "overflow" and so he left the speculum in contact with my cervix for a while. That seemed weird. Did he not shoot it all in? Who knows. I have to say, I'm feeling positive. I like the idea of it working without drugs. Maybe the acupuncture just puts me in a good mood? I already feel kind of full. I wonder why my ovaries were so noticeable for the past 4 days when I wasn't on any drugs to swell them? Maybe the previous months of medicine stay in one's system? Work's busy. It's hard to come up with reasons to miss so many days.

Day 13

The dr said the follicle was 14mm Friday, so to do the ovulation tests and if no sign, to trigger Monday for Wednesday. The timing of that seems to have more to do with his schedule than mine. He's on vacation Monday and tuesday. I didn't test yesterday, since I can't go in Sundays, but that was a mistake because it would be good to know I didn't miss it. Otherwise I'm paying $1350 for nothing. So hopefully the test will turn red today or tomorrow. If not,null trigger tomorrow, but with doubts. How does the trigger shot work if you were about to O anyway? The dude I so etimes sleep with was here last night. He couldn't get it up. That's always frustrating, but it's more complicated when you also want sperm and timing..

Needles

Typing is hard tonight. I went to my first session of acupuncture. It was cool, but the needle between my thum and index finger hurt and my thumb still hurts. It's aimed at fertility, but the lady doing it is trying to get pregnant and she went to consult an aryuvedic dr... Ultrasound today looks good dr says to trigger Monday for Wednesday. Oh test may put it sooner, and then my dr is out of town so I'd doit with the more established guy.

More views of my hoo hoo

The dr wants me to go in for another ultrasound Friday. At this point I think I'm paying his mortgage! What will we see with an u/s that we couldn't know with the ovulation pee strips? I suspect he wants me to come in so he can talk to me about upping the drugs. I'm ok with that. I don't look forward to paying $250 for the conversation. I was just on vacation with family and it made me think I want a partner and family. I just don't know how to make it happen. Maybe the baby isn't working because I'm supposed to find the man first? But there's no time! I'm dieting. I still hope the post-baby discovery of a nice divorced dad could work out. I'm trying my first round of acupuncture this week.

But wait

I realize now I don't have to wait until August. I can try again this month, I just can't use the drugs. But I can wait for ovulation, and if it occurs naturally, I can go ahead next week. I'll call dr tomorrow and see what he thinks. Wouldn't it be nice to succeed without the $1500 injections?