Better to keep going

I had some doubts, thought maybe I should wait for a man, but there is not reason To do so. The guy I've been seeing freaked out over my being surprised we wouldnt see each Other for 3 weeks. Once a week is too much? That's how a dude gets to be 39 and never married. Who needs A man who isnt excited to see you? Oh well. There's no waiting for some dude to decide he's ready to put on big boy pants. Ultrasound Ad trigger shotin 6 days. I'm spending the weekend with high school girls at a camp. I hope that doesn't leave me anti kid. I Am already anti- teen.

Day 2 again

More Clomid starts today. No bad mood yet. And not laid off yet. Not sure whether to sign a lease next week. The dude I've been dating is going away for 2 weeks. For some reason he's ot willing to squeeze me in before he leaves. I guess it's just as well. I havent mentioned my baby plans. He said he thinks having a baby would be awesome. But it was in the abstract.

Complications

I think I'm getting laid off. my boss knows I'm trying to get pregnant, so I think legally they can't fire me. Well, if I were pregnant they couldn't fire me, it's not ideal. While I don't love my job, it pays me and gives me health insurance. Well, I'll find something else, but the timing gets tricky.

Different news

Now the dr says I don't need injectibles because I am responding to the Clomid! It's a relief for sure. In the meantime I backed out of buying a house for a few reasons, including my fear at what the baby making is going to cost. So we are going back to Clomid next week and then an ultrasound and trigger shot to better time ovulation and IUI. This has been nerve wracking is ways I didnt anticipate. Well, I'm happy for now that this may work! It turns out I just missed detecting ovulation last week, but it did happen. I tested twice one day and then once the next in the time it must have happened, but the stick was only pink, not dark. Hmm?

Tests

Today I had a blood test for progesterone, to see if there's evidence ovulation occured this month. I'm not sure what the result would be either way. If there was ovulation, then will the dr just up my Clomid dosage? I think he may push for injectibles either way. But he likes to know. The phlemobotomist who took my blood didn't do a great job. It took two pricks, 2 arms. I sometimes faint, but was ok today.

Bad news

no IUI this month. no ovulation so no IUI. This is not good. It was my third month on Clomid, so now the doctor says we have to move onto injectibles. I guess I can get over the hurdle of injecting myself for 5 days, but it costs $5000 per month! I called my insurance and that was useless. They say they pay for "treatment" but ot "artificial" technologies. I have no idea where that leaves me. Thus sucks. And now I have to wnder, am I forcing nature too much? Is this just to meant to be? Are the odds still 17%?

The pain of timing. One more day

LH test is pink, but not as dark as it should be. I don't know, I feel the pains.

Not today, and an option

The little twang in my ovary means something is starting, but the LH test is still negative. Maybe tomorrow. Then I can go in Friday. I called my drs office today and they want to do an ultrasound Friday to what's up. Fine with me. Knowledge is power. I'm tempted to buy some ici sperm that I can insert at hem- kind of a back up shot. It's weird not to know which one worked though, if one works. I'm getting excited.

Any day now

I tested twice today- it feels like it will be soon. Not today though. I'll come home at lunch to test tomorrow. It's inconvenient to have to test from 10-4 pm. Those are work hours! But I like an occasional lunch at home. I feel a pinchin my right ovary. So if it's positive tomorrow, IUI Thursday. Not idea, work wise, but fine. I have a passover Friday and Easter Sunday, so lots of religious tidings if it happens this week! Friday would be ideal. This will be month 3 so if it doesn't work, we may have to change plans. I'm also closing on a new house and my boss is leaving, so everything is up in the air!

Testing again

It's day 10 so I will take a little LH test today. I'm pretty sure it's not time yet, since the last two months with Clomid have made my ovaries very active at ovulation time and I still feel nothing this month. I slept with someone last night and i have a full condom of fresh sperm in my trash. It is almost tempting to stick it in the fridge, for free access to fresh sperm, but I can't do it. The dude is fine- tall, smart, and apparently not crazy, but still. I don't want him tied to me and my kid at this point. And of course theres the unfairness to him. I was so excited about this guy for a few days, I started to think it was more important for me to form a relationship than to race into babymaking, but no. Now I can take it or leave it. Sex is fun, but everyone is complicated. And once men get to their late thirties, they have a lot of sexual shortcomings. I mean, they learn some stuff, which is good, but when push is supposed to come to shove, there have been issues with the last 3 or 4 men I've known. Who needs it? That initial part is fun, when you first start thinking about someone. But then there's the task of idling a whole day with him. That's not easy. And making plans. I think I missed the boat on finding a man I could live with and love. I found myself thinking about my last real boyfriend, 8 years ago. It's all been bogus since him. And I'm pretty set in my ways. I guess that's why I'm moving forward alone now. I'm pretty sure I'll love a baby.