Waiting again

Let's see, last night was my last dose of Clomid, so it must be day 7. I start testing for ovulation in 3 days. So I'm drinking a lot of beer. I have a date in 2 days and I am looking forward to it. It's a second date, so I already know he's ok. We may go play some pool. I won't mention the baby making just yet. Given the past 3 months, there's no reason to assume I'll be pregnant in 3 weeks. But it's possible. I'm just too old to keep waiting. If I were this guy, what would I want to know? I probably would not want to know if a woman was thinking of baby making. I mean, that would just make the guy feel guilty for keeping her from it, or feel pressured to d ate the good stuff. So my secret stays with me. In 3 months it would be a different story. But what are the odds he will still be in the picture? Luckily what I want is not the only factor. Not that I want more than company at the moment. I had doubts a few days ago. Maybe I'm not ready to give up on romance and having a baby the old fashioned way. But there's just no time.

Doubts?

I'm in the 2 week wait between knowing last month didn't work and trying again. I went out on a date Thursday and it was fun. It was nice to have someone flirt with me and to try to look good and go out on the town. It made me think I could imagine a relationship and it would be nice. We could spend weekends skiing and making dinner with another couple in tahoe. that sounds fun to me, though its never happened for me. It puts doubt in my mind about my baby alone plans. I want adult fun. I dont want to move too fast when if i just waited a year... I still think it would be nicer to be a conventional family, but really, what are the chances at this point? Or I could trick him into it.. No, maybe this dude will flake and I'll be reminded why I'm proceeding alone. That's what happened to the last one (the last 6). I wonder if this is enough doubt to put it on hold. But then more months will go by and I'll regret waiting. I don't know. I guess I'll just keep pursuing both and see what comes out.

Take 3 and Oops

Time to face it, this month was not successful. So I refilled my Clomid prescription and I picked a new donor. Im not really proud of my method: drinking and reading a few profiles. It came down to a black law student and a white actor. The law student sounded good and nerdy but maybe dull. The actor had more personality in his audio and the staff description said he was polite and looks like Orlando Bloom. I dnt know. Buy one of each? Today also I sent my donor I.D. release forms to the wrong printer at work- to a building across town from where I was- so I had to ask my assistant, who was in that building, to go get it.  A little embarrassing.  She's 24 and been married 2 years, and I don't imagine she thinks sperm banks are anything but gross.  And she probably blabbed it to the other assistants. Oh well. I make mistakes!

Another month!

Pregnancy test was negative this morning. I could try to find ways it might be wrong, but it seems pretty likely it is right. I tested 14 dpo, so not early. Well, arguably one day early. It's a bummer. Now I have to find a new donor, buy more vials (how many?) and go through the shebang again. It wasn't too bad this month, so it will be ok. I am not looking forward to more Clomid. I have a small doubt it might not ever work. Then I wonder what m doing with my life. But really, it's too soon to get that concerned. It's only been 2 months! And I have a date Thursday. I'm very tempted to try to procure me some fresh sperm. Poor guy has no idea.

Day 13

Crampy, in the middle of the night which is not normal for me. It feels like this month was not successful. I guess I'll know tomorrow. I'm not testing early. On the bright side, I have a date Thursday. It's true that I still hope to find a dad for a kid, but I just don't see how the timing could work. I think the kid has to come first, but then it will be harder to convince a man to come on board. Anyway, the date involves swimming in the cold Bay. An adventure! The last few dates just didn't materialize, so who knows if this will happen. In my world, the path fr A to B is rarely a straight line. I couldnt find a job for a year, so I accepted one in a city I don't know or like, but I'm hoping it will give me experience so I can return to home one day. And the kid. Well, I tried for 20 years to find a baby daddy. It's not as if I rushed into the single mom thing. I just feel at the end of my options. But it would be nice to share the experience with someone, and to have someone look on proudly at the kid. Hopefully my many cousins can play that role to some degree. And I will look on proudly. That will have to be enough.

Time to test?

When to take a pregnancy test? Last month I tested 3 or 4 days early and when it was negative, I didn't have a full answer. I felt bad, because it wasn't a good sign. But when you test early, there is a 30ish percent chance that the test gave a false negative, so hope is still a little alive. Then when it turns out a few days later to really be negative, I'm sad again. So this month I plan not to test early. It's getting hard not to, but for no great reason. I just want to know. It's Saturday and easier to deal with the emotions today than on a Monday morning. And my boss may be leaving, my offer was just accepted on a house- I've never had so much up in the air! I haven't mentioned I'm moving too. The new house and job are in a city about 1.5 hours east of home. Yeah, issues. But it's motherhood-friendly, so it's worth the move. The house has space for a nanny and 2 kids, plus a pool, with fence. So it would be nice to know one thing. Though of course st my age even if pregnant, there's something like a 20% chance of miscarriage, so I won't even know this thing. I guess its exciting? I'll test monday before work. I really can't tell. No smell sensitivity. I have been gassy. We will see soon enough.

Day 11

Today didn't go so well. The dr was an hour late, which was annoying. Then we did the ultrasound and saw small follicles, so he said come back in 3-5 days and we will do another one. This doesn't seem like an improvement over just peeing on the LH tests. I missed 4 hours of work just to be told, too early! I knew it was too early. I guess I misunderstood the way the trigger thing would work. Now I don't see what it is doing over just letting it happen. And I'm worried we will run into Sunday again. I just don't know,