more hurdles, and another surgery

I remember the doctor who pulled the placenta out of me leaning over and saying "you're lucky."  Apparently because I didn't need surgery.  Well now I need surgery.  And I've lost two more months.  The dr will scrape the reamining baby bits out of my uterus.  Why don't they make sure it's all out of there when you are in the hospital?  Why did he wait so long to look?  Now he put me on birth control pills- and that sure feels like progress- and says we have to tend to this right away.  Then "right away" became in the next 3-4 weeks.  This whole thing sucks.

And I have my work review in an hour. If that goes badly, I might lose my crap.  This qhole year will have been a total waste.

3 yolk sacs- all small, but one close to normal. 3 heartbeats. Who knows?

2 weeks at home, now better. No other symptoms hcg 3000 dpi 21.

Still in pain with ohss. Now on unpaid leave. Hope fetus ok.

Feel better after surgery. Pregnant! Looks like twins

Ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome- serious pain. Surgery needed to drain a gallon of fluid!

So bloated had to wear same elastic skirt to work 2x this week.

Ovaries still sore. Eating a lot.

Swollen ovaries, constipation. Painful

dr takes me into the little office

that's never good.  He wanted to warn me about the risk of multiples and ask if I wanted to go through with this cycle.  He said 30% chance of twins!  But it's 30% of the only 20% chance of any pregnancy at all.  Sure- I'll still do it.  It's only 4-6 eggs.  From what I have read, at my age there is not a very high probability of twins.  I've already gone thru 4 eggs with zero result, so it's hard to see how my luck with double this time.
He also said he thought we should go on to IVF next month if this doesn't work.  That's fine.  This process is way too long and dificult, and I miss a ton of work.  The timing never seems right.  IVF is nice and controled. The real kicker was he said IVF is less likely to result in twins than this protocol of shooting up lots of eggs.  So I think I will ask for a 2 week leave from work.  I have to see the dr almost every day.  Not that this one has failed yet.
I am flying across the country the day I would need to start next month's treatment, so everything is up in the air again.  I don't mind canceling the trip.

surprise! not what one wants

Well, who can do without the last minute drama?  I went to inject my trigger shot Saturday night at 10 and as I open the box to mix the medicine, I see it says "for intramuscular injection only."  WTF?  I don't have any IM needles.  No one showed me how to do an IM shot.  Moreover, it says a different person should do the shot, since they are much more painful and deeper than the subcutaneous shots I have done for everything else.  I was mad- why is this surprise coming up now?  What can I do on a SAturday night with no needle and no one to help?  So I just used my little needles and shot it into my butt 5 times.  I don't think it was deep enough to hit the muscle, but the medicine got into me.  I'll be pissed if all this money, energy and missed work results in a missed ovulation. 
In other news, it looks like insurance might cover part of this.  They don't cover infertility unless it has a medical cause. I asked them what else could be the cause?  Anyway, I'll try to get the dr to diagnose me with PCOS, which I pretty clearly have.   Even if that fails, there is a $9000 cap on out of pocket, which I haev almost hit, so the insurance would end up covering IVF!  If the dr's office ever gets around to submitting the claims.  For some reason although I've been racking up charges for months, insurance said no claims have been submitted. 

Insurance may cover IVF since I've spent so much $ on medical this year.

Drama. No needle for trigger. Too much egg white CM today. Timing off, I think.

Nervous? Up at 3am. The twin thing is scary.

working try-to-be-mom

This site isn't working on my Ipad all of a sudden, so I'm typing from work.  Oh work.  The combo of constatnt dr visits and work is not easy.  Today I was supposed to be at the second day of a workshop, but I had to come back for a dr appointment.  I guess if my dr were closer to work this would create fewer problems.  Anyway, the dr said things are moving well- now we have to consider how much risk of multiples I want to take!  There's a 30% chance of twins! 
Well, 30% of only a 20% chance of any pregnancy, so it's more like 8%, which seems pretty small.  I dont' get the math.  How does having 4 or 6 times as many eggs not move the odds of success?  That just can't be right.  Twins is scary. I mean, do-able and when theya re older I think they'd be lucky to have one another. But for me, all alone, with two mouths to feed. That would be a real challenge.  I say, why not try?  Then he mentioned triplets..

Site not working- missing more work, check on egg progress

Batten down the hatches- more drugs. Shortage. Work conflict. Oh my

See the progress tomorrow

Second thoughts

I've been two to parties in the past two days that have made me question this kid having idea. Whining kids and moms with nothing else to talk about. But what else do adults do? I sometimes think it's not working out because I don't really want it, at least alone. That could be.

Mood swings

I think the higher doses of the meds are having a negative mood effect. I couldn't stand a party I went to yesterday. It was all moms and this one insisted speaking French to her kid, who spent most of the party with his hand in her bra. It was annoying. And now I'm just sad. I miss my mom, I hate my job, I don't want to go through this. It's hard to make decisions when you know your mind is addled. Luckily tomorrow's dose is smaller- hopefully. Can keep myself from quitting my job. I'm not sure though. This afternoon I'm going to see my friend who has 2 kids alone. I'm not sure I can keep it together. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, and then that makes me mad at me. It's better to be busy. And not coursing with hamster hormones.